Conquering Conflict
Conflict is never fun, and for a lot of us it can be a source of significant anxiety and stress. It can feel like the end of the world when a friend is upset with you, or there’s a disagreement between you and a parent. When tensions are high, it can sometimes be hard for us to find the right words. There are several ways to successfully navigate an intense situation, and here is one of our favorite methods to de-escalate a tough interaction.
The only word you need to remember is LEADS.
L-E-A-D-S
L: Listen. Don’t just hear what someone is saying, really and truly listen. If your friend or parent is approaching you with a conflict, listen to their concerns. A great technique to use when you want to make sure the other person knows your listening is Reflective Listening. This means while you’re taking in their words, note some of their biggest points in your mind. When the person has finished sharing their point of view, repeat back to them what they’ve shared. For example, “when I borrow your favorite pen without giving it back, it makes you feel like I don’t respect your belongings, and don’t value our friendship, is that right?” Acknowledging that you hear their concerns is a perfect way to validate the fact that you understand their point of view.
E: Empathy. You may see a situation 100% differently than someone you’re having conflict with. Being able to empathize with someone’s point of view and feelings is the only way you will overcome these moments. Empathy is a crucial life skill and the foundation for all successful relationships. So, how do you empathize? Empathy is different then sympathy, right? It’s different because sympathy is sometimes “that’s awful for you”, where empathy takes it one step further to “that’s awful, I’ve been in a situation like this before and I know how frustrating this can feel”. Empathy is putting yourself in their shoes. This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything they’re saying, but you’re acknowledging that you’ve been in rotten situations before as well, and you can empathize with their feelings. “When I borrow your favorite pen without giving it back, it makes you feel like I don’t respect your belongings, and don’t value our friendship, is that right? I completely understand what it feels like to feel like you’re being generous and someone is taking it for granted. It isn’t fun feeling like your friends don’t appreciate you, and I completely understand-- I’ve been there before too.”
A: Apologize. Sometimes it’s that simple. An apology can go a long way when it comes to combating conflict. How would we apologize in our pen scenario? “When I borrow your favorite pen without giving it back, it makes you feel like I don’t respect your belongings, and don’t value our friendship, is that right? I completely understand what it feels like to feel like you’re being generous and someone is taking it for granted. It isn’t fun feeling like your friends don’t appreciate you, and I completely understand-- I’ve been there before too. I’m really sorry I made you feel like I don’t respect you by not returning your favorite pen before the test today. While it was never my intention to make you feel this way, I’m still sorry it affected you the way it did.”
DS: Direct/Solve. Direct the conversation towards a solution. What direction can this situation take that would leave your friend feeling respected? “When I borrow your favorite pen without giving it back, it makes you feel like I don’t respect your belongings, and don’t value our friendship, is that right? I completely understand what it feels like to feel like you’re being generous and someone is taking it for granted. It isn’t fun feeling like your friends don’t appreciate you, and I completely understand-- I’ve been there before too. I’m really sorry I made you feel like I don’t respect you by not returning your favorite pen before the test today. While it was never my intention to make you feel this way, I’m still sorry it affected you the way it did. Moving forward, I will do my absolute best to take care of the things you share with me. If I slip up again in the future, make sure you come and tell me so I can fix the situation quickly. ”
A borrowed pencil may not be the greatest example of conflict, but LEADS works in so many situations. There will always be misunderstandings and conflict in our lives, because humans aren’t perfect, but we can never go wrong if we are listening, empathizing, apologizing when needed, and making a plan to move forward. Empathy is a skill we are always teaching at the YC, and it is truly the key to conquering all conflict!